One sentence roast for every team in the NFL after Week 1

Every team in the NFL can catch these hands. People taking out their own teammates, guys spitting at each other, and it’s only Week 1. Your team isn’t safe, and if you think they are, check below.

Arizona Cardinals: Your defense dragged you to a win which is a shock considering your head coach, but you’re still dodging pressure like a scared kid in a dodgeball game.

Atlanta Falcons: Kirk Cousins, you choked so hard against Tampa, your $180 million arm must’ve been stuck in a vending machine.

Baltimore Ravens: Lamar Jackson, you dropped 40 points and still got embarrassed by Buffalo—guess your MVP trophy’s just a paperweight now.

Buffalo Bills: I’m sorry I thought you were an MVP, Josh Allen.

Carolina Panthers: I don’t even need to roast you guys, you do it yourself.

Chicago Bears: The only impressive thing about this team is Caleb Williams’ nails.

Cincinnati Bengals: Someone tell the Bengals offensive line that the season started.

Cleveland Browns: Deshaun Watson, you’re so irrelevant, even the Bengals’ benchwarmers made you look like a practice squad reject.

Dallas Cowboys: Not only did you lose, but you lost with your quarterback getting spit on.

Denver Broncos: Congrats, you beat the team that went downhill after losing A. J. Brown.

Detroit Lions: I thought you guys were Super Bowl contenders, my bad.

Green Bay Packers: Jordan Love, you edged Detroit, but your defense nearly handed them a win like it’s a charity giveaway.

Houston Texans: Putting up only nine points Is incredibly sad, FYI.

Indianapolis Colts: Anthony Richardson, you lit up Miami, but your defense let Tua treat the game like a backyard barbecue.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Beating Carolina is not a flex.

Kansas City Chiefs: This is not how a Super Bowl team is supposed to start their season – oh wait.

Los Angeles Chargers: It’s kinda hard to roast you when you beat KC.

Los Angeles Rams: I haven’t seen worse scoring since Super Bowl 53.

Las Vegas Raiders: Pete Carroll, you beat New England’s sad squad, but your offense is such a circus, it belongs in a Vegas sideshow.

Miami Dolphins: No roast just, Tua, are you good?

Minnesota Vikings: There’s absolutely no way you let the Bears almost win.

New England Patriots: Mike Vrabel, your debut was so pathetic, Pete Carroll’s Raiders are laughing harder than your fans are crying.

New Orleans Saints: I forgot ya’ll were a team.

New York Giants: Russell Wilson, 168 yards and no touchdowns. I’m sorry but what.

New York Jets: Wow Jets, you’re almost good enough.

Philadelphia Eagles: Congrats, you beat Dallas, but Jalen Carter’s spit had more personality than your entire offense.

Pittsburgh Steelers: How are you going to let the defense carry the game?

San Francisco 49ers: I can’t even roast you because your team is just injured.

Seattle Seahawks: Geno Smith, you hung with the 49ers until they reminded you you’re just a discount quarterback with no ring to show for it.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Baker Mayfield, you needed a rookie to save your sorry hide from Atlanta’s collapsing defense – pathetic.

Tennessee Titans: Putting up Pop Warner points won’t win you a Super Bowl.

Washington Commanders: That’s the quarterback that was getting all the hype this offseason?