Author’s Note: If you’re offended easily, this is not for you.
Now that the NFL season is upon us, here are each of my predictions and initial impressions about each team.
Arizona Cardinals: Don’t Expect Us to Win Much…or Blitz
Atlanta Falcons: Rising Up…Then Right Back Down
Baltimore Ravens: We’re Always Number 2!
Buffalo Bills: Maybe We Can Freeze Our Opponents to Death
Carolina Panthers: Can We Just Purr Instead?
Chicago Bears: Growling Loudly, Delivering Softly
Cincinnati Bengals: Super Bowls Are Overrated Anyway
Cleveland Browns: 30-Some Problems But A Football Game Ain’t One
Dallas Cowboys: It’s Our Year This Time We Swear
Denver Broncos: Coming to a Petting Zoo Near You
Detroit Lions: Now We Have a Shot in Our Division!
Green Bay Packers: Detroit, Say Sike Right Now.
Houston Texans: First Overall on Three!
Indianapolis Colts: Who Needs a RB, Anyway?
Jacksonville Jaguars: A Team of Florida Men
Kansas City Chiefs: [Super Bowl] Ring Around the Rosie
Las Vegas Raiders: Risky Business On AND Off The Field
Los Angeles Chargers: Lightning Bolts Hit Everyone on The Team Except Herbert
Los Angeles Rams: Counting Sheep Since Our Last Super Bowl
Miami Dolphins: Diving Into A Nice Top 10 Pick…Just In Case
Minnesota Vikings: WE’RE The Team to Beat…Wait, Why is Everyone Laughing?
New England Patriots: Maybe We Should’ve Deflated More Balls…
New Orleans Saints: Drew Come Back Please.
New York Giants: We’re So Bad We Had to Move to Jersey
New York Jets: Us, Too, But At Least We Got Aaron Rodgers
Philadelphia Eagles: Not A Real Team Unless They Defeat God Himself in the Super Bowl
Pittsburgh Steelers: Satisfactory Since…Forever.
San Francisco 49ers: If Purdy Wasn’t Hurt…Or Garoppolo… Or Lance, We Would’ve HAD The Eagles
Seattle Seahawks: Flying High Into An Early Exit
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Aye, Aye, Captain Turnover!
Tennessee Titans: We Don’t Think Our Name Really *Fits* Anymore.
Washington Commanders: We Don’t Like Our Name, Either.
First & Jenn 
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